I once berated certain vegans for being arrogant. A very small population of responses agreed - they, too, had experienced pomposity regarding a "showing off" of prominent cruelty-free diets. But I think we forgot to mention something that I've only recently decided to embrace.

First, I was a loose vegetarian, or as some would put it, a "half-assed" vegetarian. I would eat, say, chicken broth if my mom were to cook me soup, or sushi when my dad would take me out for dinner. These situations were few and far between and were typically for the sake of loved ones and cultural experiences.

But, now I can see that I was wrong.

I have decided to stop eating fish and other animal-murdering substances such as gelatin and broth. In addition to this, I have nixed all forms of dairy from my diet, such as cheese, yogurt and ice cream.

Why? Well, let's just say a light has shone upon me. I now understand why anybody would call an egg-frying, milk-chugging vegetarian an insufferable monster that was raised off a family of twits. Veganism, after all, stretches all the way back to the 1940s. At this point, how can anybody NOT understand and bow down to vegan culture?

After all, we Americans are so good at understanding and embracing diversity. That is why I am now telling all of my omnivore friends, family and casual acquaintances that they are wrong. I don't care if you were raised off chicken fingers, or if your species had developed canine teeth after billions of years of natural selection - your culture and your beliefs are completely wrong, and better yet, monstrous.

Vegans aren't any better. Did you know that when a fruit is picked, the stems and leaves of the tree are damaged? Stems are essential to hold leaves up to catch sun rays for photosynthesis, which is vital for a tree's sustenance, and they also hold up flowers to allow insects and birds to attain nutrients in order to pollinate the planet. By consuming hand-picked fruits and vegetables, we are stealing a tree's ability to spread its seeds naturally, whilst starving insects and birds.

That is why I've decided to only eat fruits that have naturally fallen from the tree and hit the ground. I have become a fruitarian, because fruit nutrition does not pollute the earth and allows the birth of new trees that provide life-supporting nutrients, unlike those barbaric vegans wolfing down standard store-bought fruit.

So I don’t eat anything unless it has naturally fallen from a branch. Also, I have stopped using all products that either test on animals or deplete any form of natural resources. That means no shampoo, no soap, and no deodorant, not even Tom’s (Tom’s all-natural products still consume sources that could feed or house an animal, which is more important than deodorizing my armpits). I am no longer washing my clothes, because that uses water essential to fish, and I do not walk on the sidewalk, because I don’t agree with paving an insect’s home.

Then again, if I am still eating fruit, that means I will be eating the seeds that are essential to tree reproduction, so if we all become fruitarians, we will deplete the earth's fruit supply such as apples, oranges and persimmons. Dear God, what would we do without persimmons?!

Well, it looks like the least hypocritical way to avoid the exploitation of animals and natural sources is to just stop eating altogether. So, I guess I will starve and die one day, but long live Mother Earth!