By Ashleigh Johnson

Daily Titan Copy Editor

Originally, I had planned to write a column that would take a thoughtful, informative look at the public’s obsession for information regarding Tiger Woods and his extramarital affairs (because that’s how I roll).

Then I realized that I couldn’t care less about the subject and not even Woods’ penis detaching itself from his body, donning a top hat and monocle and doing a song and dance number (what it lacks in tastefulness, it more than makes up for in artistic merit) could reverse my feelings of apathy.

So screw that noise; we’re talking about Internet addiction.

In a recent Australian-Chinese study (because Australia hearts China, apparently), it’s been found that not only are 10 percent of teens “moderately” addicted to the Internet, but the entire population of Internet-addicted teens is 2.4 times more likely to engage in self-harming behaviors such as “hitting themselves, pulling their own hair or pinching or burning themselves.”

The study made no mention of whether furiously masturbating to furry porn is considered a self-destructive behavior or not. Note: For those of you who don’t know what a furry is, do yourself a favor and do not look it up.

First off, Chinese and Australian teens must be a whole lot different from the American variety because I challenge you to find a group of teens who aren’t addicted to the Internet.

Hell, when I worked as a nanny, it was well-nigh impossible to find a 7-year-old who wasn’t addicted to Neopets or Battletoads or whatever the heck the kids are into these days.

In short: I’m on to you, Australia and China. I don’t think your results are accurate at all. Paying people to do an intensive study on teenagers and Internet use is about as useful as doing a study on whether or not dogs enjoy rolling around in roadkill (answer: They do).

It doesn’t take a scientific study to tell anyone that teens enjoy the Internet quite a lot, and I doubt that only 10 percent of Chinese and Australian teens are moderately addicted; though, I do think that there’s a correlation between the low number of young Internet addicts and self-destructive behavior.

Anyone who has had to deal with teenagers knows that they tend to be, and this is a direct quote from a friend of mine, “little shits.”

Don’t get me wrong, I tip my hat to anyone who has to get a straight answer out of hormone-riddled adolescents for a living. I can just see some researcher walking into a room full of glaring teenagers, trying to be all hip and happening and “with it.”

Researcher: Hey there, kids! I’m Bob, and I’m going to ask you all a few brief questions about your online habits. Now –.

Teen 1 raises hand.

Researcher: Oh! Yes?

Teen 1 flips off the researcher.

Researcher: Oh! Haha! Aren’t you precious! But let’s get down to business. If you could all just –.

Teen 2: Your mom’s a whore.

That’s probably how the research process went for several hours. Finally the researchers probably gave up, made up a number and had to come up with a reason as to why some of their subjects had bruises, bloody scalps and burn marks all over their bodies.

“The Internet did it,” said one of the researchers as his colleagues nodded in unison. And that, my friends, is how China and Australia spent millions of dollars to find out absolutely nothing.