By Ashleigh Johnson

Daily Titan Copy Editor

If you’re one of those ignorant “sheeple” who believes everything so-called “scientists” spoon feed them, then you probably also believe that the Large Hadron Collider (more like Large Hard-on Collider, right? I apologize) was created to help physicists answer fundamental questions about some of the smallest particles known to man.

The device is basically the world’s most expensive pinball machine – accelerating protons until they don’t know what the hell’s going on and then smashing them together.

It straddles the Swiss-French border and is operated by CERN (Conseil Europeen pour la Recherche Nucleaire, or European Council for Nuclear Research if you’re not a commie), who came up with the idea presumably after cackling loudly as lightening flashed in the background.

They also probably raped a kitten, an orphaned kitten. Without legs.

You poor, misguided sap, you. Read between the lines! Repent! The end is nigh!

Sorry, I tend to get caught up in religious fervor whenever the end of the freakin’ world decides to quickly dawn on us.

Soylent Green is made out of people!

Again, sorry. Now where was I?

Doomsday, right.

On Nov. 3, a piece of bread dropped by a bird caused the high-tech piece of equipment to begin to overheat.

This incident is just part of a series of difficulties that has plagued Skynet … I mean, the LHC.

As a result, some scientists have speculated that the LHC is sabotaging itself from the future.

While some are dismissing this idea as ridiculous, an essay published in the New York Times by Dennis Overbye (who may or may not be a time traveler and who may or may not be on a mission to protect Sarah Connor from a robotic Arnold Schwarzenegger), details some of these self-sabotage theories – the bulk of which depend on the grandfather paradox.

For those who don’t know, the gist of the paradox is as follows: If someone traveled back in time and killed their grandfather, then it can be assumed that the time machine could never be built in the first place. Science!

However, to paraphrase Overbye, there’s nothing in the grandfather paradox that says that a time traveler couldn’t save their grandfather from being hit by a bus.

Basically, the physicists who subscribe to the future sabotage train of thought believe that the LHC is preventing the world from being hit by a metaphorical bus – namely “Higgs boson,” a hypothetical particle that is said to provide mass.

Pardon me for blowing your mind.

Personally, I am a firm believer in this school of thought, so much so that I have taken the liberty of “borrowing” the LHC (I’ve got a really big sweatshirt) and will now demonstrate its time-traveling properties and its possible ability to alter the future. Now if the scientists are correct, all I have to do is step in here and …

All praise Xenu! It worked!

Goodness, have you all heard of this wacky cult called Christianity? They believe that some guy once turned water into wine and gave a bunch of people fish and bread.

Haha! Ah, to laugh. The ludicrousness of it all.

Lord Tom Cruise would get such a kick out of their crazy theories.

Oh, hold on, I have to go purge the alien souls from my fleshy human meat body.

Wait … This isn’t my E-meter!

AHHH!

Well, that’s a disappointment. I guess the damn thing didn’t work after all.

Sorry guys, I didn’t mean to scare you all before by discussing end of the world conspiracy theories. But what do scientists know, right?

All they do is sit around a lab all day diddling rats and making their hair look funny (Note: There may be a correlation between these two points, but who knows? I’m not a scientist).

Sorry for wasting your time, everyone. Now I’d best be off before Mecha-Hitler sends out his mechanical spiders to drain me of blood.

Oh hey, look, a bird!