By Brian Whitehead
Daily Titan Sports Columnist

My girlfriend and I watch a lot of game shows: “Who Wants to be a Millionaire,” “Deal or No Deal,” “Jeopardy,” “Family Feud” – we watch them all.

The one show I find horrendously dated yet surprisingly entertaining is “The $100,000 Pyramid.” (OK, stop laughing. No, really. Stop laughing.) The show is more dated than Janice Dickinson’s face. It’s in desperate need of the Joan Rivers specialty.

So, let’s reinvent “The Pyramid.” New host, new prizes, new celebrities. Seriously, if “The Newlywed Game,” “Family Feud” and “The Price is Right” can all reinvent themselves, why can’t “The $100,000 Pyramid”?

You’re telling me NBC can’t throw a million dollars at John Stamos or Matthew McConaughey to stand on stage and carelessly fling uncomfortable sexual innuendos at female contestants? They could even host shirtless if they want. They’d turn that down? Really?

Someone needs to do this. Today.

How does any of this relate to sports? Without further ado, I present to you the list of things the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim need to do this off season (Note: I’m writing this article two weeks before I inevitably wanted to):

1) We need to retire Nick Adenhart’s number as soon as possible. Seeing another Angels player with “34″ stitched on his jersey in future seasons just wouldn’t feel right. That’s Nick’s number; it always will be. We need to put it between Nolan Ryan’s No. 30 and Jackie Robinson’s No. 42 out in right field. How sweet would that look? Nick Adenhart’s No. 34 enshrined forever, between the respective numbers of the best pitcher the Angels ever had and the most influential player in baseball history. It just fits.

2) We need to thank someone for turning Kendry Morales (.306 BA, 34 HRs, 107 RBIs) into a suitable – and much cheaper – replacement for the money-hungry Mark Teixeira.

3) We need to make Chone Figgins “Oprah Rich” this off season. I’m talking Ryan Seacrest/”American Idol” numbers. The lovable leadoff man with the perfect nickname has been our spark plug for the past eight years. His plate discipline, base stealing, sneaky power and solid fielding has propelled him to, “We must re-sign this guy or else he’s going to sign elsewhere and stick it to us every time we play him” status. He’s that good. Just not in October.

4) We need to dispose of Gary Matthews, Jr.’s corpse, pronto. As a matter of fact, Gary, you wouldn’t mind if we started sending your paychecks to the Figgins residence, would you? Chone? How does that sound? Is that OK with you?

Third baseman Chone Figgins celebrates with outfielder Bobby Abreu at home plate. Photo Courtesy MCT.

5) I never thought I’d say this, but we need to re-sign a 35-year-old (Venezuelan years), clumsy outfielder who always looks to walk, even in big spots. I don’t know how many 100-RBI seasons Abreu has left in him (he has seven consecutive), but one thing’s for certain: He’ll lead the league in “Usted llama a esto una huelga?” (Translation: You call that a strike?) facial expressions until the day he retires.

6) Lastly, we need to find a way to politely usher the aging Vladimir Guerrero out the door. We botched this exact same situation with Tim Salmon a few years back when we inexplicably offered one of the most recognizable Angels in team history a minor league contract before the 2006 season. It was the equivalent of “Saturday Night Live” offering Will Ferrell a one-episode contract to which SNL would evaluate his production and decide whether to bring him back for another episode. Ridiculous, right?

Here was one of the most prolific Angels in franchise history, a key cog in the 2002 World Series team, and the Angels said, “Tim, everything you did for us in the late-‘90s and early-‘00s was great and all, but we’re going to stick you with 19 and 20-year-olds to see if you can still hang.” If his skills are diminishing and he’s hurting the team more than helping it, just don’t offer him a contract. Talk to him, let him know the facts. Tell him you’re sorry. It’s that simple. Don’t insult the man by dangling a minor league contract over his head.

Now it’s Big Daddy Vladdy’s turn. The lovable goofy 2004 AL MVP battled nagging injuries all season. His streak of 11 consecutive seasons hitting 25 homers and over .300 came to a screeching halt this year. This season his patience at the plate took a turn for the worse.

(During a mid-season game against the Blue Jays, I watched as Guerrero fouled off a ball that bounced inches in front of home plate, a ball Pedro Cerrano wouldn’t offer up. The funny thing was, I wasn’t the least bit surprised.)

We need to offer Vladdy a contract somewhere in the ballpark of one year/$6 million, or coerce him into retirement. If we offer him a minor league contract like we did Salmon in ’06, Vlad’s going into Cooperstown with a Montreal Expos hat on. You can book it.

Come to think of it, you think he’d want to host “The New $100,000 Pyramid”?