By Ashleigh Johnson

Daily Titan Copy Editor

I get asked a lot (read: never) about how I put together my award-winning column on a weekly basis.

Keep in mind that when I say “award winning” I am actually referring to the fact that my nana will print out one of my columns from the Internet on occasion and stick it to her refrigerator door.

Sometimes she’ll put a smiley face sticker on my column – because they’re just that good.

Needless to say, I am an expert on the writing process, especially the column put-togethering process. In the interest of streamlining the actual method, I’ve decided to come up with a handy step-by-step guide to writing your own columns.

Step 1: Choose a topic – I often spend weeks in advance searching for just the right topic that could in turn form an intelligent, well-written column about the subtle intricacies of a problem plaguing our daily lives.

Step 2: Research – Now when I say “research,” I usually mean “watch ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ for about six hours.” I know all, for I am Ashleigh the Barbarian, destroyer of worlds! Fear me mortals!

Step 3: Outline your column – Oh crap. You forgot to pick a topic, didn’t you? Uhh … Crap. I don’t know, just write something about how art is cool and war is bad or something. People love that kind of thing. Include something about being depressed.

Step 4: Begin writing – OK, so you haven’t even figured out a topic yet. No worries, just be cool. You know what? At this point it might be easier to skip the outline step altogether; you were always better at freewriting anyway. When is this column due? Damn. OK, you’d better skip the research portion of it as well. Just use Wikipedia.

Just use a lot of quotes from dead people, that will make you seem smart. What about Carl Sagan? He was a pretty smart guy. Wait, he was the guy who talked about wormholes and junk, right? Or was that Steve McQueen?

No, no, it was definitely Carl Sagan, I remember watching “Jeopardy” once and they had a question about him. Also, there’s some Youtube video that someone edited to make it sound like he and Stephen Hawking were singing.

Oh my god, so funny! It’s almost as good as that one video where that kid is like, “Walker told me I have AIDS,” and then it cuts to a cat playing the keyboard.

Oh my god! You should mention a YouTube video in your column. That will make you sound hip.

Oh yeah, we were talking about Carl Sagan, sorry. Is he even dead yet? Remember, you should only quote people if they’re dead. Hold on, I’ll go check. Yup, he is.

Step 5: Rewrite your first draft.

Let’s do shots!

Step 6: Zzzz …

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. By using these steps, you too can become a columnist. Just remember that writing a great column is an art and, as such, is obligated to unmask life’s hidden truths, like war’s dependence on man’s ultimate inhumanity toward his fellow man in order to succeed.

Don’t get me wrong, it will be a difficult process, but as Carl Sagan once said: “If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.”

Play me out, Keyboard Cat. And where’s my Prozac?