By Ashleigh Johnson

Daily Titan Copy Editor

I’m going to do something a little different this week; a change of pace, if you will. A sexy, sexy change of pace.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have officially purchased my first issue of Playboy. That’s right, I’m a big girl now! Maybe soon I’ll give using the toilet a try. What can I say? I dream big.

Yes, I can now rightfully take my place amongst the perverted and depraved.

Granted, this is Playboy, a magazine that is swiftly gaining a reputation of losing its edge, but that’s beside the point.

I too have done the infamous walk of shame, avoiding the eye contact of fellow customers as they stared at me accusingly.

“Leper!” They screamed, collectively donning their cloaks and hoods as they prepared for my public execution in an attempt to restore the community’s honor.

I may have slightly embellished the truth in that last part. Though my grandmother did ask me if I was Lebanese. I think she meant lesbian, but who knows?

But it’s all worth it, my friends. No nerd-related column would be complete without covering what will surely be hailed through the ages as a landmark event.

Marge Simpson, of “The Simpsons,” was a centerfold in the most recent issue of the magazine.

I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in. The extreme sexiness that is.

Wow, I never thought I’d ever type that. God, I hate myself right now.

By the way, for anyone looking to find out if the proverbial curtain matches the drapes, prepare yourselves for disappointment, as the iconic TV mom only shows off the little Marges.

It’s OK though, because it’s for the charity known as Saving and Preserving Historic Gazebos (SPHG). Yes, it’s a made up charity, and no, I am not making this up. That’s what Simpson herself says in the Playboy interview.

Oh, I didn’t mention that there’s an interview with the cartoon character in the newest issue of Playboy? Because there is.

Touché, Matt Groening and Hugh Hefner. Touché, indeed.

It has always been my life-long aspiration to become an evil genius, or at the very least a decent professional troll. But this is simply unfair.

Truly, Groening and Hefner have upped the ante by taking a character loved by millions and turning it into wank fodder for the masses.

And to think, they did it with just enough tongue-in-cheek humor that no one could fully criticize them. Sure, there were the expected giggles and eye-rolling, but these same people later lined up to snatch up the special collector’s issues with the jaundiced one herself on the cover.

Allow me to reiterate: two people who thought that it would be a sweet idea to feature a semi-nude cartoon character got money for their shenanigans. Their evil scheme, while certainly creepy, is also brilliant.

Please, good sirs, please teach me.

I don’t want to just learn your methods — oh no — I want to be you.

Is there a training course that I can enroll in? A magic spell that can be cast upon me?

Because if so, there’s a certain time-traveling wizard who I need to apologize to.

In order to show my worthiness, I’ve thought of a list of other ways to turn beloved characters into creepy, perverted images that will surely make their fans uncomfortable, yet curious enough to buy millions upon millions of copies of whatever publication their pictures appear in.

Here’s a sample:

1. My Little Pony in bondage.

2. Mario stormin’ Peach’s “castle”

3. Smurfs smurfing Smurfette.

4. Bugs Bunny bukkake.

5. Powerpuff Girls wincest (It’s basically an act of hot sex between family members, which makes it WINcest according to www.urbandictionary.com).

I may have had some help on the last three, apparently my pervert-o-matic is broken.

Still, call me.